I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
