I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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