When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
