i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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