btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
