i just sent this text using only my big toe
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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