I skipped work to stalk him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
