she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
