I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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