Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
