ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
