How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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