these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
