Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
