Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
