Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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