i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
