maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
