Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
