dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize