It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
