my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had to cum in my sink.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
