I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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