You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
