That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My liver just broke up with me...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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