i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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