WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
