I can text with my tongue
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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