Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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