I met the friendliest cop last night
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
