Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
