I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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