I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I deserve this hangover.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
