watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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