I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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