Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
