bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We are all done wearing pants today
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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