My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
