can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
