i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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