I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
