she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
