Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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