Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
