Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
