I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
