the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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