to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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