Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
