I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize