When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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