Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
