sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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