his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
