i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Shame - the story of my life.
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