Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
