he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
