____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
