ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
sarcasm needs its own font
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
