i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
