i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
