I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
it glows. i had to have it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
