Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
