my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
