Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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