Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
