They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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