I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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