I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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