Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
