i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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