I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
